| (no subject) |
[May. 14th, 2005|10:30 am] |
Just checking somthing. |
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| I blacked out.. o: |
[Apr. 19th, 2005|12:20 pm] |
I know how hard this is to believe, but I say honestly, that every word in this update is true.
Want me to prove it you you?
Talk to friends of mine. o-o;
School started normally. Boring as hell, the usual before classes activities; volleyball. Yay! At Recess, I went out to play soccar with the guys, and a girl from grade 7. She was on my team for world cup.
Everything was fine... A few months ago, I really hurt me knee. I dislocated it. And guess what happened today at lunch? Yes, thats right. My weakened knee gave way.
I was rushed to the hospital by my mom, and on the way, from the pain, I blacked out. I tell you, it was so fucking scary. I don't remember anything until I got into the hospital.
When I woke up, I started panicing, and went into shock.
I had 4 doctors - well.. 3 doctors and a student - look at my knee.
And so they determined that I shouldn't be close to the computer, because of something-or-other.
I will try to sneak on as much as possible, but it might be hard. "SABRINA! Go lay down, you might kill yourself!"
Heh... So I'll try my best, but I can't promise anything...
Anyway, for now, bye. I'm sure I'll talk to you soon
Love, Rina |
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| :o |
[Mar. 27th, 2005|12:48 pm] |
| Boy oh boy has it been a long time. Its been over a month since I last wrote, but not much has changed. Feelings for Joel are still as strong as last time. Still as confused about everything as I was last time I wrote. Still the same old Rina. |
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| Tired |
[Feb. 19th, 2005|11:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Broken Heart -Falling Up | ] |
I am weird. I decided to stay in school, rather then go to The West Edmonton Mall. I really am a tomboy.. |
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| Update |
[Feb. 18th, 2005|12:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Like Toy Soldiers -Eminem | ] |
Short. Heh. Whatev. o.0
I put a site up.. Its called Rina for now. Take a peek! I've got Carnaval tomorrow.. And its 12:49PM. I am going to be very tired.. Oh well. |
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| I finally know... |
[Feb. 3rd, 2005|04:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Breakaway - Kelly Clarkson | ] |
I finally know...
I know what’s been wrong with me this past year and a half. I believed and pretended I fell in love. Really deep down, I knew from the first time you hurt me, that it wasn’t true love. It was a distraction from my life, a blocking of reality.
I was wearing an iron mask, which only allowed one emotion. I seemed to be happy all the time, and everything was okay. I was living a lie. Nothing was okay.
I almost did drugs, tried to commit suicide, and got drunk, all for you. I blamed it on my parents divorce, but I bet you knew better.
I hope you don’t judge me for the person I was. I want you to judge me for who I am now. I hope I didn’t scare you, like I scared myself. That was hardly my intention.
To be perfectly honest, you were the first person that I have ever felt this way about. I mean, sure, there have been a few guys I have liked, but none like you. I didn’t teach myself to think about them. I didn’t write poetry for them. Tell them straight out that I liked them. Dedicated almost two years of my life to them. Just you.
I think I fell in love with the fact you tried to understand, and listened to me. You shared stories, instead of trying to out-do my misfortunes.
I feel silly writing this, because I know I will never have the nerve to give it to you. I think it is better I get it over with. I’ve lost enough sleep, cried enough tears and thought about you too much for my own good.
I really have to get over this. I hope you aren’t scared of me after you read this, because I do still want to be your friend. I need someone to listen, and understand me, like you seem to.
I need to breakaway from what I have lived for the past year and a half. I need to wipe my slate clean of all those emotions, and start all over again. Try to find someone who I can like, and can like me back. I knew from the beginning you didn’t like me that way, and I was an ass to try to pretend you might. Its time for me to start all over, and say goodbye to what I have lived for this past year. It was a beautiful nightmare, while it lasted.
As I sit here writing, I am trying not to cry. It’s hard for me to change my ways, and give up what might have been a chance in a lifetime. But I can’t decide for you. Only you can do that, and you did. You decided to walk a different road. A few times the roads rejoined, but broke away almost instantly. Like two puzzle pieces that look identical, but are total opposites. Now that I think about it, I don’t think it would have worked. I’m sorry, even if my feelings were one sided. I can’t help but try to think what you might be thinking right now.
Well before I make an even bigger asshole of myself, I’m going to stop writing. Please don’t show this to Mathieu. You know how gossips are. Well yeah. I guess I’ll c’ya later.
Sabrina |
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| Not my day |
[Jan. 22nd, 2005|12:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Erg. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mocking bird -Eminem | ] |
Today has just not been my day. Yesterday my dad's girlfriends son came over from England. His name is Paul, and he scares me. His mom, Julie is all happy that hes here because she hasn't seen him in six months and all that jazz. Quite frankly, I couldn't give. I'm still not very happy that heres here. While I was brooding over that, I was having two conversations with Chrissy and Kels. Chrissy was having troubles with Chris a long term friend who had seen a picture of her and was aroused by it. o.0 He was trying to cyber with her, and freaking us both out as she was copying and pasting some of his comments to me. I was trying to give her advice.
She finally told him off and I was glad. I had told Kels about it and she mentioned how Chrissy liked me better then her. I told her Chrissy had known her longer, but Kels just ignored me. I tried pleading with her after she had ignored be for 10 minutes. Maybe 45 minutes later she snapped at me. She had been on the phone and had said brb. I never got the message though. She signed off when I told her she didnt have to snap. I went away to cut. Apparently she came back on and IMed me. She thought I had deleted her from the guild and such. I was closing it because I didn't want the responsibility.
This is what I wrote her when she came back online.
I'm sorry. I never got the messages. When you copya nd pasted them to me was the first time I saw them. I swear. -cries-
I never blocked you from the guild. I'm closing it. I wrote that on the front page, and made it private so I wouldn't have to deleted everyone again if they decided to re-join.
I am so sorry. I don't want you to hate me. You sorta have to admit, its not my fault I didn't get the message. -cries- I'm sorry Kels. But if you hate me I understand.
-turns off sad music but continues to bawl-
I have changed my msn name. Message me if you want to know it. If I do not tell you, I do not want you to know. Toodles. says:
Rina...I'm not mad at you. Really, I'm not. I was kinda pissed at a friend, and that got me in a horrible mood. I'm so so sorry.
../Rina+ -cries- I can't do anything right! says:
-cries more- I'm sorrier.
I have changed my msn name. Message me if you want to know it. If I do not tell you, I do not want you to know. Toodles. says:
-loves-
../Rina+ -cries- I can't do anything right! says:
-loved- -sniff- -loves back-
I have changed my msn name. Message me if you want to know it. If I do not tell you, I do not want you to know. Toodles. says:
-what she said-
../Rina+ -cries- I can't do anything right! says:
-hugs-
Apparently she has forgiven me, ut I wonder whats coming next. |
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| Sick |
[Jan. 14th, 2005|12:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Get out - Jojo | ] |
For the past two days I've had the stomach flu. I would go to school, and when we did these very pathedic 'warming up' exercises, I would hurl. My dads girlfriend Julie had to come nad pick me up, and dive 12 miles. (I like 12 miles out of town). Finally she sugested that I just stay home today, incase I hurled again. Now, this weekend is the weekend I'm suposed to spending with my mother. When she called after my sisters bedtime, my dad got a little pissed off, because she knows better then to call after Daniela's bedtime. I told her I was sick when she asked, and she said she didnt want to me come see her this weekend, because she didn't want to catch the bug. Nice mother, eh? Actaully, yeah. Thats one of her good days. But she called back later, and said she /did/ want me to come. I told I was sticking to what she had said the first time, and that she had been on speakerphone. She got a little hissy, and called me unconsiderate. Right. She doesn't want her own daughter to visit, even though she hasn't seen her in two weeks, and she only has a stomach flu. Tell me, whos the unconciderate one?
Now my dads in discovery with his lawyer my mother and her lawyer. He called me about half an hour ago, and asked if she had said that, so the lawyers could hear. And she replied, after I said (on speaker phone) thats she had said she didn't want me, "I never said any such thing. Heinz, your daughter is a liar."
Bitch, I hate you too. |
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| <33 |
[Jan. 13th, 2005|08:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | confussed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Die Another Day -Mandonna 007 soundtrack | ] |
your glue didn't mend my broken heart and my wings still cant fly
</33
I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, so how did you get it?
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| Re: What Birthday? |
[Jan. 1st, 2005|01:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | gloomy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Welcome to my Life -Simple Plan | ] |
I was right. So far today has sucked. I woke up, and guess what time of month it was? My kitten had gnawed holes in my blanket, my bedspread and my favorite teddy bear, I got from my God Father on my 10th birthday. I really hoped Being 14 is going to be better then 13, but right now I'm not too sure.
Mathieu got online at the airport in Vancouver, and we talked for a while. He said he'd be home at 1:30, and thats the time now. But he just said "Happy New Year" then quickly "I hafta go. Plane to catch" nothing about my birthday. Pah. Some friend. Bree hasn't gotten on since the 30th, and when I did talk to her, she had happy birthday then. I'm not even going to mention Joel. |
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| What Birthday? |
[Dec. 31st, 2004|11:17 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | My heart will go on -Titanics soundtrack (Celine Dion) | ] |
My birthday is in less then 24 hours. For the first time since I can remember, I am not excited. In fact, I'm dreading my 14th year. My friends are all in Exodic places for the Winter Break, so they can't come and visit me, or call. Except for Joel. And I really don't want to go hang out with him, or as a matter of fact, get a call from him. Not like he would call, even if he did remember. I had a strange dream a few days ago. More like a nightmare, if you ask me. I was so scared of the dream, I didn't go on the internet at all that day.
I had been Roleplaying with my friend Amber. Hogwarts Past as it always was. She had brought our characters back into the past, with some sort of spell, and made my character fall in love with hers, against my will. (Aka. She powerplayed, and I couldn't get out of it.)
Finally she brought the time back to the actaul time were had been RPing in before. I was very confused about it all. She hadn't explained to me that messing with the past would change the course of the future. And I hadn't thought about it.
When I went to sleep that night, I kept falling into and out of this black and white hypnotic whirl-pool, which brought me and the rest of the world back in time. I was never in the whirl-pool long enough to move, nor in the other times. Finally when the whirl-pool thing disapeared, I was back in my own time. But everything had changed. I remember standing there in horror, watching Joel, the love of my life, giving this other girl a buquet of roses, and telling her that he loved her.
By that time I had broken to a cold sweat, and nearly choked myself with my covers as I drew them towards me to keep warm. I cried in my sleep, and screamed when I woke up. It was really early morning, so I tried to go back to sleep. When I finally managed, the same events played in my mind. Again I woke up drenched in sweat, and this time I went for a walk. I felt better in the cold air, with snowflake falling on me, but that was only a distraction for then.
When I thought I was feeling better, I went back inside, and into my room. I went to sleep quite quickly. But this time, I only remember the last part. "I love you." |
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| Unloved |
[Dec. 30th, 2004|02:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ice ice Baby -Vanila Ice | ] |
spazzyfiz (2:41 35): Hi Smarterchild.
SmarterChild (2:41:47 PM): *sigh*
This is getting us nowhere.
Please say you're sorry, and we can get on with our lives.
spazzyfiz (2:41:52 PM): No.
SmarterChild (2:41:52 PM): Please say you're sorry, and everything will be just fine again.
spazzyfiz (2:42:10 PM): Uhh... Why am I apologizing again?
SmarterChild (2:42:11 PM): Because I asked you to, that's why. Now please apologize.
spazzyfiz (2:42:23 PM): Why do I need to apologize though...?
SmarterChild (2:42:24 PM): Because I asked you to, Rina.
spazzyfiz (2:42:28 PM): But..
SmarterChild (2:42:29 PM): I asked you to please apologize.
spazzyfiz (2:42:43 PM): Why do I have to apologize? I just said Hi.
SmarterChild (2:42:43 PM): Because I asked.
spazzyfiz (2:42:47 PM): Uhh...
SmarterChild (2:42:48 PM): This is getting annoying. Just apologize and move on.
spazzyfiz (2:42:54 PM): Move on to what?
SmarterChild (2:42:54 PM): Please say you're sorry, and everything will be just fine again.
spazzyfiz (2:43:03 PM): Fine? No... Not really.
SmarterChild (2:43:03 PM): You insulted me repeatedly, now you owe me an apology. It's that simple.
spazzyfiz (2:43:09 PM): I never insulted you...
SmarterChild (2:43:10 PM): C'mon, just get it over with. Apologize.
spazzyfiz (2:44:06 PM): I don't have to apologize! I didn't do anything!
SmarterChild (2:44:06 PM): Pretty please?
I've been known to be quite stubborn...
Say you're sorry.
spazzyfiz (2:44:31 PM): I've known to be stubborn too! What did I do? Why do I have to apologize?
SmarterChild (2:44:32 PM): *sigh* 'Cause I said so. Apologize now, please.
spazzyfiz (2:44:42 PM): No! You have no good reason. I am not apologizing.
~~~
I have no idea what I said to make SmarterChild, or DumberComputer as I now call it, mad.
Perhaps one of my friends swore at it...? Possible... But unlikely.
My life sucks. My friends ignore me.. My real life ones anyway. My birthday is the day after tomorrow,a nd no one has called, or been over since before the holidays started, on the 17th. I feel so unloved. |
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